Limitations

Me at the Kawachi Fujien wisteria garden in Kitakyushu, May 2018
(A random photo unrelated to this post, to make up for my negligence!)

I've realized in the past week or so that I've been stagnating here in Japan. While I managed to find non-work pursuits that fulfilled me and made me feel useful back in America, I haven't found any such lasting pursuits in my town of Nakatsu. Part of this comes from fear — my fear of not being able to contribute due to the language barrier, a fear of commitment and losing my precious free time, which I often use to go on short trips with friends.

But I came to the conclusion that, without "extracurriculars," as I like to call them, or without pursuits outside of work, I feel rather empty and stagnant. For a while, I had my sporadic calligraphy lessons, but it was perhaps my failure there to really grasp the technique of brush strokes and remember the kanji that led to my feeling of defeat and, ultimately, a sense of relief when the classes stopped being held. I think I was going to calligraphy for the sake of going to calligraphy, because I knew I had to participate in the culture and community somehow, and I had enjoyed a few lessons I had done in Nagoya several years ago. But this particular version wasn't working for my soul.

Back in the Bay Area, although I took about a year to fully get back on my feet mentally and spiritually after returning from Nagoya in 2014, I was able to find enriching classes and invigorating volunteer opportunities to fill my life with joy. I took sign language and art courses, planted trees, and eventually started volunteering as a teacher's assistant at an ESL school with a large refugee student body. I was able to rebuild a sense of self and passion for life that I had lost when I fell into a deep personal crisis in Nagoya. These classes and these volunteer activities reignited a flame in me and brought some wonderful people and experiences into my life, which I am so grateful for.

But unlike that time of growth, these past several months, I have been living selfishly. I have relished my personal time, spending some of it with fellow foreign friends and cherishing the time with some of the ones who will be leaving Japan in August. But I haven't been enriching myself or growing as a person. I've stayed curled up in my crab shell (a true Cancer to the core), never venturing outside to see the adventures that await. So I think it's time for some personal projects to start.

I've made the first few steps already. I've been doing yoga at home using the Yoga with Adriene 30 Days of Yoga challenge. I've started doing earnest research on what it will require for me to start my speech language pathology career. And I've used my small network here in Nakatsu to find out about volunteer opportunities that can fill my time and my metaphorical cup.

Watch this space, because I feel sure that with a new sense of purpose, ideas will flow more freely, and the desire to share what I'm experiencing will blossom. No more of this homebody, do-nothing lifestyle! Well... less of it, anyway!